Learning To Fly Solo

I have been wanting to write a blog about single-hood for quite sometime, but there's so many facets here that it's hard to pinpoint where to start.

First and foremost, I want to address the huge stigma around being single, especially for women. Single women are judged very harshly by their relationship status. I think in society's perspective, a woman's value is found in the role she plays in her household as the wife and the caregiver. A single woman does not fit that narrative, and it then begs the question "Why can't she keep a man?" It's almost as if by being single, it implies that you are a poor partner and caregiver to your family, why else would you be single? So, let's settle that.

No woman should ever be defined by her role as a wife or a mother. Your value is not dependent on how much you serve others, and that's a commonly unspoken ideology. As a result of this, too many single women feel this passive-aggressive judgement from their married peers and oftentimes can spiral into questions of self worth. I have found myself at many functions and tables, surrounded by other couples and felt a heavy sense of not belonging simply because I am single. Of course, not many people are bold enough to ask you out loud why you don't have a man, but the unspoken question still hangs in the air. It's the elephant in the room. I distinctly get the impression that many people wonder where my life fulfillment comes from since I am unmarried, and have been for quite some time. The implication is enough to make me wonder why women are so harshly criticized when we choose to be single, but beyond that, I've seen other single men sit at these same tables and are greeted very differently. Their role is not defined by their marital status. If a man is single and chooses to be single, that's perfectly acceptable. He's allowed to be career driven, a casual swinger, or simply alone. This does not have an affect on how many functions he is invited to or how welcome he feels at social tables. No one ever asks him "When are you going to get married?" or "Are you going to have any more kids?" But these things are implied and pushed on women all the time.

So my point is to say, try not to be hindered by these societal expectations. The expectations of others, in or out of your peer group, are completely irrelevant. You are not on their timeline, they do not live in your shoes. Your life, your heart and your mind completely belong to just you. I know that it's easier said than done, to be surrounded by couples and constantly feel like the odd one out. But the grass isn't always greener, and the best way to find contentment is to stay focused on oneself.

This brings me to my next point of single-hood: how do you find contentment alone? People who are in relationships and have been for a long time really take for granted how much having a partner helps. A partner helps with the every day chores around the house, the errands that need to be ran, but so much of what people depend on a partner for is internal. A partner brings emotional support and stability, a partner is someone you can share feelings and activities with. Single people are not ignorant of this. In the last five years of being single, I had to learn how to find contentment and emotional stability alone. That's really the hardest part of single-hood is the loneliness, especially at first. When you lose a relationship, there is a huge learning curve on how to cope with life alone. The longer that relationship was, the harder the learning curve. People depend on their partners for so much, and now you're learning to fly solo. So don't be disheartened if it's difficult. Yes, of course, it is very difficult. You are not useless, weak or pathetic or any of the self worth things that you may tell yourself. Being alone is HARD. But all good things take time, so rest assured, you will find your way in time.

In no way am I saying you have to put a timeline on yourself, BUT! I have learned so much in my time of being single, and in hindsight, I am so glad I took that time to be completely content and independent on my own. I found that by continuing to try to date, I kept falling into familiar patterns of toxicity. Instead of taking the time and putting in the effort to fulfill myself emotionally, I kept seeking those needs in other people, which as you can imagine, brought me to so many harmful and destructive individuals that also had their own baggage that needed to be addressed. You have to become self aware enough to not only be able to identify what your emotional needs are, but how you need them to be addressed as well. It will not serve you to continue to seek that validation in other people, true self soothing takes time and practice. The flip side of that coin, is that by mastering self-sufficiency, you are putting yourself in a position to no longer be taken advantage of by people who would seek to use you for their own gain. By building this emotional tolerance and expectations for yourself, you are taking your own power back. You have the power over your heart, mind and body; having that true autonomy is the highest single-hood goal. It will take time. There are no "quick fixes" in life. Be patient with yourself and your journey. If you know how badly you need to take your power back, then I encourage you to take the time and do it right.

So how do you pass that time? It sounds daunting, I know. Being single for several years. Yes, YEARS. Honestly, those years pass by so fast when you are busy finding ways to fall in love with yourself. Find and pursue things that you love, and these are things that are outside of being a parent or a working-career person. I mean, hobbies and interests that you get passionate about. For me, it was exercise. I found so much of my power in working out. I felt empowered by my ability to run several miles, or be able to lift weights. I fell in love with my strong, muscular body; because I know what I'm capable of. Exercising was almost like a metaphor for my personal growth, in that as I emotionally got stronger, my body did too. These were things that no one could take away from me. But it doesn't have to be exercise; your passions are your own. I have a friend that really finds freedom in art and painting; I have another friend that is passionate about gardening and planting new things. Your expression of yourself is exactly that, it's your own. That's the purpose of this single-hood journey is to find the things that make you feel alive on your own. I'd encourage you to step our of your comfort zone. Date yourself, take yourself out to dinner and to the movies. I love seeing single people embracing their own company in doing these activities solo, it's so empowering. It builds so much character strength and and self-reliance. You can confidently and easily say "I don't need anyone" because you don't! Really and truly, everything in your life can be accomplished by just you; you have all the tools, you are made of everything that it takes. You have a phenomenal spark and light in you, everyone does. When you are able to see it and embrace it for yourself, there is nothing that can stop you.

Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of having good friends. I mean a solid circle of people that you can call when you are feeling low. You need people that you can come to when you are approaching a situation that might compromise your progress. Especially when the time comes to start putting yourself back out in the dating realm, you will need friends to hold you accountable. Friends that can say when a person isn't good enough or a person will set back all the hard work you've done on yourself. You need friends that you can cry to when you are feeling lonely. Social support matters, I cannot stress that enough.

As a Coach, and as a friend, I see you. I see how hard this struggle is. The loneliness is hard, it really is. It's so hard not to cave and allow people to give you half-hearted affections simply because you are human and you crave intimacy. That's how we are designed, we are lovers by nature. But you can do this. You can set the boundaries, you can take the time. You can do the self-work, and you can master being single. Your perspective will shift from "I hate being alone" to "I am going to use my time alone productively to teach me about myself". The expectations that you set for yourself now will carry into every new relationship; and you will find that the longer you are single, the longer you spend time getting to know yourself mentally and emotionally, the less you will be attracted to people who are not good for you. You will not seek that emotional validation from those who are not worthy, because you will master your own emotional self reliance in time. You set the bar on your worth. This journey starts with you. You absolutely have got this.